


The Harkness Holiday or Solving the Mystery of Easter

by Tangelene



Category: Doctor Who, Jack Harkness - Fandom
Genre: Blasphemy, Swearing, not for religious folks, sexual inuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-03
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-21 01:42:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3672825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tangelene/pseuds/Tangelene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack Harkness wakes up in ancient Jerusalem and does what he does best.  Makes friends, makes enemies, and gets himself in hot water.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Harkness Holiday or Solving the Mystery of Easter

**Author's Note:**

> This story is not meant to offend people who truly believe in the miracle of Jesus' rising from the grave. It is simply this author's imagination running wild.

The Harkness Holiday or Solving the Mystery of Easter  
By Tangelene 

Having woken up in ancient Jerusalem, Jack Harkness did what he did best. Made friends, made enemies, and stirred up the locals while having a great time.  
Jack and about a dozen if his new friends were sharing wine, breaking bread and arguing jovially about politics. Seated at a long wooden table, Jack had to lean forward to be heard by all assembled.  
"Seriously though, "he laughed, "How can anyone take these guys as anything other than the ass-kissing, brown-nosed, skirt-wearing sycophants they are? I mean, come on.”  
Just as the person seated to his left was about to speak, a beautiful woman came up to him to refill his chalice. "More wine, sir?"  
"Thank you Mary Magdalene." As she reached forward, he cupped her buttocks with one hand while the other innocently held the chalice aloft for refilling. Mary Magdalene smiled coquettishly at him before playfully swatting his hand away.  
As she moved on to refill the glass of the man seated to his right, there came a knocking on the door, which was quickly followed by a group of the aforementioned ass-kissers bursting into the room. "You sir, are under arrest!"  
Jack looked around at the people seated with him. "Which of us are you referring to?" he asked, already knowing the answer.  
"You!" One of the brown-nosers replied.  
"And what am I being charged with?" Jack asked, swishing the red wine around in his chalice.  
"You, sir, are charged with Transgressing the Primary Law!"  
Jack pretended to look surprised. "Me? Come on, all I did was have a little bit of fun. Besides, I didn’t hear anyone complain when I turned the water into wine. It livened up the party. Although I admit, fish may not have been the best thing to feed people. The whole city stunk for days afterwards! But it was all in good fun.”  
“Well, that fun is about to get you hanged!"  
"Oh crap. I hate hanging, it always leaves me with a stiff neck. And that is not the part of me that I like see stiff! "  
****  
The next morning, Mary Magdalene appeared at the bars of his prison cell.  
"I knew I could count on you for one last romp in the hay!" he said, smiling.  
"Jack, I've come to tell you that they have decided not to hang you after all.”  
"Even better!"  
"No, I'm afraid not. They have decided that since you are not born of this country, you must be executed like a foreigner.”  
Jack looked horrified at this prospect. He knew how they dealt with foreigners in this part of the world. It was cruel and barbaric. It served no purpose other than to provide hours of entertainment for the sick fucks that watched the slow painful death take place.  
“No way out of this one, eh?” he asked her.  
“No Jack, I’m afraid not.” She pressed herself against the bars so that he could cop one last feel.  
As she leaned in to kiss he whispered his final instructions to her. He then kissed her with more passion than she had ever been kissed with before. She then turned and left him alone with his thoughts.  
Shortly thereafter, a troop of the skirt-wearing sycophants arrived to carry out his sentence. They brought with them two large wooden boards, nails, a hammer and rope.  
Jack watched as they nailed the boards together in front of his cell, laughing among themselves as they went about their work. When they were finished, they opened the door of his prison and bound his wrists with the rope.  
“Come on guys, if you’re going to tie me up, the least you can do is buy me dinner first.” Jack flirted.  
He knew how this was to play out. He was familiar with the stories. Of course, when he read the stories, he had no idea he was reading about himself.  
Even while he flirted shamelessly with his execution squad, he was sending a silent plea for rescue, by transmitting his location and need to the only person who could help him.  
Once they tied his hands together, they tied the rope to the cross. Not only was he expected to die by this method, he was expected to carry the cross to the death site. He supposed that was to wear him down so that he wouldn’t put up as much of a fight when they nailed him up there.  
Definitely not the way he liked to be nailed…He sighed.  
******* By the time they arrived at the site, Jack was definitely too tired to put up a fight. Not that he would have bothered. He had read the stories. He knew what was going to happen.  
He looked over the crowd that had assembled, seeing the faces of all who had broken bread with him the previous night. All but one were crying. The tears running freely down their faces. The last of them, the one who had been seated on his left, was smiling. He, obviously, was the traitor. But why? Jack squinted and looked closer… He would almost swear there was a metallic glint when the sun caught the face of this man. Could it be? Cybermen? Here? In disguise? Nah, must just be the sun and exhaustion playing tricks on him.  
“Ow, Fuck!”  
“Son of a bitch that hurts!”  
He had now had both hands nailed to the cross. He looked down as two guards grabbed his legs while a third nailed his feet together to the wood. Then, some sick fuck decided to add a crown of thorns to his head.  
Great, he thought, just fuckin great! I’m going to be pulling thorns out of my hair for a week!  
The cross was hoisted into an upright position and he could see for miles around. It really was beautiful country, he thought to himself. Too bad it is run by a bunch of asswipes.  
******* Once the guards were sure their prisoner was dead, his body was pulled down from the cross and the beams were separated for storage. Mary Magdalene and a few of Jack’s friends gathered around the body.  
“He told me this would happen. That they would just leave him here like a piece of garbage,” Mary Magdalene said sadly. “He also gave me strict instructions on what to do with his body once it was taken off the cross.”  
“What can we do to help?” Asked one of the friends.  
“We need to take his body to a cave nearby. Once we have laid him inside the cave, we are to close it up and walk away. He said we should never return to the cave.”  
“If that is what he requests for his final resting place, then so be it.”  
They made a carrier from Mary Magdalene’s robe and some saplings. Then they proceeded to carry Jack’s body across the city and into the mountains where they would find the cave he told Mary Magdalene about.  
Once inside the cave, they gently placed Jack’s remains on the floor. Mary Magdalene leaned forward and kissed him one last time, tears streaming down her face. Then she, and the others, turned to go.  
They blocked the way with a large stone, which conveniently happened to be sitting by the entrance to the cave. Then the friends headed back into the city.  
Mary Magdalene couldn’t make herself leave. She sat there for three days, mourning the loss of her friend, lover and confidant. Then, she heard a terrifying, whooshing, grinding sound and the cracks in the doorway started emitting a strange light.  
She pushed back the rock and stared in awe at the sight before her. Jack, standing up, was walking towards this towering blue box. The box opened and a man stepped out.  
“Hello Jack. What sort of trouble have you gotten yourself into now?” said the man, waving a glowing stick around the cave as he spoke.  
Jack laughed and she wept with joy, believing she would never hear that sound again. This was all overwhelming.  
Jack, having heard her weeping, turned to look at her.  
“Mary Magdalene, what are you still doing here? You should be back in the city, living your life. I told you not to worry about me. Not to stand by my grave and weep. I told you I would not be there.”  
“I know, but I didn’t really believe it. I don’t understand what’s happening here.”  
Jack hugged her, grabbing her buttocks firmly in both hands and squeezing. She laughed.  
“I wish I could stay and explain this to you, but I can’t. I have to go. But I will never forget you dear Mary Magdalene.”  
He turned and walked back towards the big blue box. As the door closed behind him, Mary could feel the earth shake under her feet. She backed out of the cave as the blue box made those strange sounds again and disappeared.  
Stunned, shocked and confused, she made her way back into the city. Mary Magdalene tried to figure out what had happened, but could not. Unable to come up with an explanation, she could only believe that she had seen a miracle and that she had been having great sex with a god.  
When she arrived in the city, she told Jack’s friends what had happened and they agreed that the only explanation was that it was a miracle. That this must be one of those gods that people kept talking about.  
“We need to write this down,” said one friend.  
“Definitely!” said another.  
And so it was written. And throughout the centuries, the story would be told and retold, changing ever so slightly with each retelling. Until it was no longer Jack and the TARDIS, but Jesus and GOD.


End file.
